I had been having a quiet evening at home, watching television, when the phone rang. M.O.M. was on the other end and I could hear Kate laughing madly in the background.
M.O.M. cooded like a love-struck teenager, "Oh he's sooooo dreamy!" Needless to say, I was more than a little distrubed.
"Huh? Who is?"
"Did you see him?" She asked with her voice full of high pitched admiration.
"See who?" I was midly amused, and anticipating the fall of the other shoe.
"Him! You know... HIM! I just love the way he runs in those tights!"
Clarity came over me like an unwelcome wave of icy water. "Nooooo.... you don't mean....?"
She giggled, literally giggled like a school girl!
"Yes! The Burger King! He's just dreamy in those tights!"
I didn't know if I should laugh or be sick.
From the moment he danced across the screen in his tight white leggins, M.O.M. was in love. All she could talk about was his legs. The rest of us would just stare at her with shocked disbelief, our mouths hanging open and our eyes wide when his image would come on the television. Did she really just say "He's hawt!"
This!?!
And so began her infatuation with the Burger King. She would beam with joy when we brought her kids meal crowns from BK, and I imagined that she was fancying herself as his queen. Though their heads would never be the same size, their hearts surely would be!
One day while at work I received an email from M.O.M. My co-worker Jeannie was at my desk as the little chime sounded and I clicked open my inbox. I saw a message that gave me pause. The subject line read "Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!"
I looked at Jeannie and said "Should I open it?" She hesitated dramatically and then somberly said "When did you last use the restroom?" I thought a moment, looked at the clock and said "About thirty minutes ago." Jeannie nodded solemnly, "Ok, open it!" She braced herself against the cubicle wall, but NOTHING could have prepared either of us for what assaulted our eyes!
I opened my mouth to scream, but all that came out was a squeak. Jeannie ran from my cubicle with her hands firmly covering her mouth. I'm not sure if it was to stifle the laughter, to keep from vomiting, or both!
Never in my life had I ever seen such a sight. All I could think to say was "God help us all!"
It continued this way, this torrid and unholy affair of the heart. We watched helplessly as she sank deeper and deeper in her delusional desires for this plastic haired Don Juan!
Then one evening, I received a call from M.O.M. She sounded genuinely upset. "He's leaving me!" She blurted out the words before I even said hello, and my heart stopped. I imagined my parents splitting up after 35 years of marriage. "What!?" She sniffled heartbreakingly. "The King! He's leaving!" It took a moment to sink in and then I lost it.
It was bound to happen, they were from different, um, worlds. An 8 year love afair was over. He appeared in 2003 and he left her in 2011 when the fast food chain decided to let him go. We decided he had probably cheated on her anyway. It wasn't long after she friended him on Facebook that she began to see his blatant display of free form flirting. He had picture after picture of himself with various other women. I mean seriously, M.O.M., you deserve better than that!
Still, sometimes he beckons her, his pull is strong.
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