The Princess and the ... Please Tell Me it is a Pea!

It isn’t unusual for me to receive odd phone calls from either M.O.M. or Kate, and often these calls are a mixture of barely controlled laughter and scarcely understood high speed explanations.  I’m not even safe at work.

One day, not too long after I’d started my new job, M.O.M. called me.  When I answered the phone, the first thing I noticed was someone laughing so hard they sounded out of breath.  I hesitated and waited knowing it was M.O.M. on the other end of the line.  The conversation went like this.

Me:  “Thank you for calling Crest Industries, this is Maxie, how may I help you?”

M.O.M.: “Bwahah hahahaha hahaha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha”

Kate:  (fainter and in the background)  Are you… ahah hahaha hahahahah ahahahahah Oh my God… hahaha hahahahah ahahahahahahahah Are you gonna… hahahah hahahah *snort* hahaha hahah … Are you gonna tell her? Hahahaha haahhaa hahahahah haaaaa”

Me:  “What is going on over there!?”

M.O.M.:  “Oh God.. Bwahaha haha hahaha.. You won’t believe it.  Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha teehee hee hee hee”

Me:  “I won’t believe it if I don’t know what it is, no.” 

By this time, co-workers have gathered near my desk, because the laughter is seeping through my headset and can be heard three cubicles away.

M.O.M.:  “hehehe you know how my back has been hurting?  Hehehehe”

Me:  “Yes.”

M.O.M.:  “Well.. haha hahah ahaha  *cough cough*  I asked Kate to come and help me turn over the mattress because I can’t do it myself.”  Bwahahaha hahaha ahahaha hahaha ahahah

Kate:  (still in the background but yelling)  “Oh my God!  I’m going to die!”

Me:  “Um….”

M.O.M.:  “Well, Kate came in and was helping me and she lifted up the mattress then… (Uncontrollable laughter from both of them)

Me:  “Then what?”
M.O.M. :  “She lifted up the mattress and then she yelled ‘What is THAT!?”

Me:  “Oh my God, what did she find!? “

M.O.M.:   “Remember what Nelly’s boyfriend bought her for Christmas that one year that embarrassed the family, the thing that required batteries?”

Me: “Oh my God, mother!  She found your vibrator!”

I’d forgotten I was at work and my co-workers were gathered around me.

M.O.M. “Yes.. Bwahah ahahaha hahahahahahahahahahah”

Me:  “Well that explains why your back hurt. Did you it was there?”

M.O.M. “Yeah, like I would have had her turn over the mattress if I knew it was there!  I thought I threw it away six years ago!”