We have been irregular regulars of a small restaurant for years. About two or three times a year we stop off at Andre's Place or our way in or out of town. Andre's Place is tiny, it's about the size of a double wide mobile home that has been gutted and turned into a small eatery.
We had made a special trip to the tiny place and we were seated at the furthest end from the door, and we enjoyed a nice meal as a family. Max excused himself to the restroom after we had all finished eating and we were sitting and waiting for him when M.O.M. uttered what has become known as the words of doom. "I really need to show my appreciation for this place."
I need to pause here to explain these words that fill us all with dread. See, M.O.M. has developed a routine of sorts. After a meal, she begins to rumble. So she will announce to us that she needs to show her appreciation and that is our cue to vacate immediately because she is going to break wind.
No, I'm not being overdramatic here. Once we went on a weekend vacation and we took a couple of friends with us. M.O.M. blew a banger as she left a restaurant and when my friend Casey exited the restaurant a few minutes later, she genuinely asked if there had been an earthquake.
So on this particular occasion, dad had gone to pay the tab, and Max was in the restroom when M.O.M. smiled at Kate and I and told us she needed to appreciate. Kate and I looked at each other then both jumped up hoping to beat her to the door so we didn't have to walk through the green cloud of her appreciation.
M.O.M. spotted our urgency and decided to head us off at the salad bar. She hastily jumped from her chair and speed walked around the salad bar. I had tried to beat her by taking the other side of the salad bar and had Kate hot on my heels. M.O.M. was victorious for about 15 seconds. She cut me off and I figured she would just go out the door and rattle the widows from outside the restaurant.
She surprised me though. Instead of continuing on her path, she paused to gloat in her victory. Perhaps it was the exertion of the speed walking, but the pause to gloat did her no good. As she looked at me with a smirk, I heard the sound. To my ears and my mortified mind, it lasted approximately 30 minutes. In actuality, it lasted about 3.5 seconds, but the sound was as outrageous as M.O.M.
It sounded like someone dragging a wooden chair across a wood floor, a pronounced, defined, offensive, baritone, "Blaabbaabbaabbaabbabbaabbaabbaabbaabbaabb". And then, a brief clip of shocked silence filled the room. The silence was replaced a second later with the stunned gasps of the little old ladies who had been happily sipping their coffee abut 5 feet away, and I swear that I heard a waitress drop a tray.
It sunk in that M.O.M. was looking at me and my fear turned to self preservation as I was horrified that people might think it was me that had made that horrendous noise! So much to my shame, I turned to Kate and gasped "What did you do!?" Kate was looking past me and directly at M.O.M. and she simultaneously choked out "Why would you do that!?
M.O.M. offered no apology, and simply turned tail and bolted for the door. The horror sunk in again as I realized I still needed to pay my bill! I avoided making eye contact with the manager as he rang me out. Thankfully he was kind enough, or maybe embarrassed enough to not bring it up.
We didn't return to Andre's place for over a year. In that time the "incident at Andre's" was brought up frequently. Max was very disappointed that he had missed the show, and M.O.M. took turns attempting to blame various members of the family. I'm surprised she never tried to say there was a dog in the kitchen.
When we finally found the bravery to return, we built up the visit all the way there. Telling Max that M.O.M. had blown the roof off of the place and it was closed for repairs Or that we had been banned for life from ever returning. And finally that they were waiting for us to come back and had named a pie (something they are famous for) after M.O.M.'s blooper.
We found a parking spot and climbed out of the truck and headed for the front door. Just as I reached out to open the door, it swung open and the manager greeted us with a "We've been waiting for you!" We had to stop Max from running back to the truck. Nothing else was said as we were shown to our seat. The best part was, when we had all settled in and opened our menus, the first thing we saw was a new pie called "Oopsie Pie". Chocolate covered pecan pie. Naturally we all ordered a slice, and when it was time to leave, we didn't try to get head of M.O.M.
A couple of visits later, M.O.M. was back in her comfort zone. We had finished eatting a nice meal, and M.O.M. whispered she was feeling appreciative. She and Kate giggled out the door as I went to pay my bill. The manager smiled at them as they went out side, and I coughed as the door shut, afraid he might hear the rumble from outside.
He smiled at me and said "You can't take 'em anywhere, can you?" I returned the smile and said "And if I do, then I can never go back!" He chuckled and said "Yes, but you gotta love 'em!" I thought back to the "incident" and laughed a little "You have no idea." His response made me laugh even harder "Oh, yes I do!"
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